English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
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Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall