English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
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You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Seems legit
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down