English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
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My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Salad is the decaf of food.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?