English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
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I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
I don鈥檛 have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I鈥檓 not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
one time my grandma used an american express traveller鈥檚 check to buy a whole frozen horse
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
if you do what you love you鈥檒l never work a day in your life because you鈥檒l be unemployed
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Hell yeah 馃憤
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Them: Do your best you can鈥檛 hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer馃嵑.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
My friend asked what I鈥檇 say if my husband told me he鈥檇 never touch me again? I told her, I鈥檇 need it in writing.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same