Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way

Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.

I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.

“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*

I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 Pants

For the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks

Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend

For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.

Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body

Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.

Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.

Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.

Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.

[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh

“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead

Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?

Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now

My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.

listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing

Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!

Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.

The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.

Bartender: I see bread people.

3yo: I hate vegetables!

Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?

3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!

Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’

*seasons greetings*

*eats greetings*

Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.

I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.

I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.

HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?

ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.

Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends

therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words

me: rude words

therapist: yes

me: rude words

therapist: i see

Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.

No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.

My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.

me: i think we should make a baby

wife: do you know how expensive babies are?

me: wait, you can buy them??

My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.