english majors be like furthermore
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[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon