english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
You Might Also Like
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
me and the Superbowl rn
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.