English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
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Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
それは草
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
I hope it’s French Onion!
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool