Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
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Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Not😆🤣
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.