Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”

me: that’s my wife susan

him: please pass the salt, ma’am

me: idk she’s pretty lazy

her: [rotates entire table]

me: but strong

5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.

Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.

“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped

My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.

apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida

I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.

Meatloaf is a good safe word.

It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…

*My kids are fighting*

9yo: You’re acting like a baby !

6yo: And you’re acting like dad !

The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.

The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.

Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.

My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed

police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes

Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”

Instant pancake mix box: just add water

Me: sounds easy

Oh no, too thick [adds more water]

Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

WIFE: I’m leaving you

CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*

ME: Is it because of-

WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl

“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”

Later…

“All I want for Christmas is you.”

EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.

hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy

me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke

I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.

– playing “Is it cake? –

Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”

If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.

WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life

ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same

Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.

COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me

We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.

can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.

[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.