Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
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-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.