Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
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Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
twitter users today:
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
War & Peace
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes