@BelleIsAMom

Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.

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@JJSummertime

If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.

@FatherWithTwins

Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books

@AnOrangeSNES

If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.

@praisecheese

For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.

@TheAlexP

I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.

@Mandiatrandom1

Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit

Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”

@huntigula

Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet

@MindyFurano

person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god