Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
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My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words