Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
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Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
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Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Oh thanks BBC.