Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
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I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now