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Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
channeling her this year
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit