@Rollinintheseat

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@GoodZiIIa

doctor: your body is weak. take care of it

mobster: got it

[later, gun to his chest]

mobster: doctor sends his regards

@funderlaw

I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.

@RightHandVAN

How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.

@EllaZee5

imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now

@TheHyyyype

[finishing dinner]

her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉

me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?

her: no, but-

me: let’s stay

@TheAlexNevil

9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.

*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college

@EdgarPoop1

We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!

Pedant: Actually…

[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]

@imence2

9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.