“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
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Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.