“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
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My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches