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I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
My neck, my back, my…
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
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I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.