<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
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HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p