<enter password>
me
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meonstilts
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meandbatmanonstilts
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Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.