<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
You Might Also Like
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
i can’t wait that long