ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
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[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone