I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
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ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*