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Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven