[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
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My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.