Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
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A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.