[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
You Might Also Like
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
this makes me so uncomfortable
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol