[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
You Might Also Like
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
When he asks for feet pics
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Think I pulled my liver
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.