*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
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CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
This was the best day of my life
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
i spent way too long on this
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.