[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
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I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.