@IamEveryDayPpl

*enters contest*

Contest: “Wrong hole.”

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@StaceyLynne_44

If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.

@Contwixt

If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.

@curlycomedy

All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.

@Cheeseboy22

I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.

@krisv_723

*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*

@TheAndrewNadeau

I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.

@boxofhamsters

my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed

@nnnatchos

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

@AndrewChamings

If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him

@

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.