*enters contest*

Contest: “Wrong hole.”

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If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.


If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.


All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.


I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.


*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*


I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.


my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed


Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….


If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him


NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.