[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
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May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Yoga Matt