[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
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texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
There’s never enough good news
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Have a lovely day 😊
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”