Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
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It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Ken is short for chicken
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like