Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
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“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.