[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!

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Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones


“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman


Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???


why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha


BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it


Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”

*Explains in great detail on how it works*

“So do I need a computer for it?”

“I JUST…how’s your cat?”


*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*


[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted


You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.