@RandiLawson Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
@Gre_Gone [Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
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@RandiLawson 
@HrBry “This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
@click4amanda Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
@wickedimproper He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
@wolfpupy why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
@jonnysun BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
@Brianhopecomedy Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
@Triballistix *notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
@bobvulfov [first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
@TheWoodenslurpy You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.