ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
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Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
*me flirting
oh you like architecture? name three walls
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.