Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

judge: your word is meaningless.

me: meaningless. m-e-a-

lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.

“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime

Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!

Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.

*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*

Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.

Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?

Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.

Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL

Wife:

Me: OMG! Say something!

[playing D&D&D]

Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?

When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.

Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it

Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.

My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.

“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.

“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”

-How I Met Your Stepmother

me: Pop the champagne

you: Yay! What are we celebrating?

me: what

Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.

Well done the UK. Well done.

She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.

At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments

Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.

[at work]

me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME

me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die

Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?

[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]

Black cat: You got me boss

Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus

I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack

Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics

It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.

Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.

STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS

It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.

I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.