ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
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Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.