[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
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That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.