[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
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Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
🙁
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
2022 be like
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine