“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
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For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
thinking about a very short hotdog
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
So, can we agree on 4 or
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”