[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
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If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
A wise man once said nothing.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.