Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
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Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous