Erm…
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A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.