[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
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Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?