Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
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Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…