‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
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Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.