escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
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We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire