Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
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it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Please do it!
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.