*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
You Might Also Like
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.