Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
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Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
two people or more is called a problem
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
the three branches of government
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man