ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
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I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Growing out my freckles.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.